When I remember
by Deanna Lupin
Summary: When I remember you, I cry silently. When I remember your love, I scream. When I remember your hands, I shiver. When I remember you, my heart is breaking in two...


WHEN I REMEMBER

Oh, well, I remember

the day when you confessed love to me;

it was a warm May afternoon,

we were sitting under our favourite tree,

only the two of us,

pleasantly tired.

Silence laid between us,

not the uncomfortable one, though –

we enjoyed each other presence only.

Oh, well, I remember

how the summer grass was soft and fragrant,

how the bark of the tree wasn't as rough as it usually was,

how the warmness of your body made me feel safe

for the first time of my life.

Then you absentmindedly took my hand into yours

and started caressing its rough jolts with your tender fingers.

Oh, well, I remember

how you suddenly picked my oh-so-nasty thin hand up to your mouth

and kissed the back of it lightly,

and then you thanked me for all the joy and happiness I gave you.

You kissed my hand, dear Padfoot, and broke the iron door, which prevented me from opening fully to the others, and especially to you.

Oh, well, I remember

my surprise, my joy and my gratitude I felt upon your hearty words,

I remember love flourishing in my heart at that exact moment.

I was short of words, if there were any to describe the feelings I possessed,

so I gently released my hand from your grip and caressed your cheek to express what I really felt.

Oh, well, I remember

how your eyes were full of tears all of sudden

and how you started to cry silently,

distracting me from my thoughts and starling me immensely.

Now it was my turn to gently take both of your hands into mine and try to coax you to talk to me.

I held you in my arms, dear Pads, and you were sobbing loudly,

you were trembling by the force of your sobs,

and I still didn't know what was going on.

Oh, well, I remember

when you calmed down little bit and tried to withdraw from me

(were you embarrassed, love, that someone saw you crying and so vulnerable?),

but I didn't let you do that, I didn't want you to close again in front of me.

Instead, I kissed you on your brow to ensure you I was here with you and I always would be.

And you started trembling again and then choked out that nobody, never ever,

touched you the way I had done before, with such tenderness and care.

Oh, well, I remember

that my own heart burst into tears with the image of you not knowing so much things, which make the person feel loved and cherished.

Then I kissed you again, Siri, fully on the lips, to tell you I still loved you and if nobody had done, then I did...

and I felt you tears again, but now they weren't as salty and bitter as they were before, now they were tears of joy, of the sudden revelation, of love.

Oh, well, I remember

you declaration of love, your promise you would never leave me...

Now you have broken your promises, sweetheart,

the tiny jolts of warmness I felt whenever you were with me have disappeared completely.

And the cold numbness and despair replaced love in my heart.

And the werewolf's claws became more brutal, the werewolf's mind more overwhelmed with hatred, the werewolf's soul filled itself with raw flesh and blood...

Now I'm dying, dear Padfoot,

dying from pain, loneliness and desire.

Oh, well, I remember

the moment when you fell behind the veil,

I remember it fully and with crucially precise details...

your eyes, full of fear, sadness and love,

you lips, wanting to scream but finding no voice to break through them,

you hair flailing in the all-of-sudden chilly air like raven's wings

and your hand, reaching towards me, wanting to touch me for the last time but so, so far away to do this...

My heart is splitting in two, my dearest friend, when I'm looking at the grim mass of cloth and when I hear the constant whisper of the un-dead souls.

Are you whispering to me, love?

Are you telling me of your love and devotion?

Do you pity me for being so broken?

I don't know because I can't understand you,

it's the first time I can't understand my muirnín at all.

God, it hurts so much...

Oh, well, I remember

all the happy times we spent together,

all your tender kisses,

all your silent words spilling out of your mouth when I was making love to you.

Oh, well, I remember

but I'm afraid I won't be able to

remember any more...


End file.
